Weird post name I know, but it seemed to sum up how I am feeling right now perfectly. The opposite of living deliberately. I have been feeling more than a little lost for some months now and I am starting to think it's because I am not living deliberately, I'm just floating along with no routine or flow to my days and weeks.
Mr Homespun is working away at the moment, flying out on Monday afternoon and returning Friday, and I am feeling horridly guilty at how the house looks the same when he gets back as it does when he goes away. Slightly unfinished and a bit disheveled is probably the best way to describe the house at the moment ( and myself come to think of it...). What do I do with my days? Well, knit obviously, but not much else.
This month it is a whole year since I lost my job and I don't seem to be looking at the housekeeping and homemaking as my job yet. And it is. And I love that it is, but I don't seem to be acting like I love it. But I think this is just because I can't see any visible signs that this is what I do. Nothing is what I want it to be, the house, the garden, the kids, even this blog doesn't seem to be what I want it to be.
I need to work on my routines, work out what works for me and for my family. A routine that will leave me feeling satisfied and perhaps even give me a sense of accomplishment. Where I can knit or quilt or whatever without feeling guilty that there is something else that needs to be done. A routine that doesn't leave me with a list a mile long and makes me feel overwhelmed.
I need to feel like each day matters, not that is just another in a long list of days that don't add up to much, which is were I'm heading. I need to get my head together!
So I'm on a quest to find me, a peaceful and productive me, a kind and calm me. A me my girls can look up to.
So I'm starting by turning my house upside down, by developing a few small routines, by expecting more of myself and mostly making the most of what I have, both figuratively and literally.
But mostly I'm starting with nuturing. My family. My home. Myself. And that feels good.
Good on you for attempting to get your life in order. There are many times we seem to be living without really living.. Just using up our days. My house has been a little topsy turvy lately but topsy turvy is at least doing something that feels like life.
ReplyDeleteThankyou for your thoughts.
Blessings to you NEll
I would like to share that what your feeling is a lot of what I have and am. I know what you say about a routine and I too am trying to work one out. I believe are going in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteI get this feeling at times too. Our renovations continue, the garden beds are the ones that were here originally and are nothing to look at, the fence needs repairing or replacing. But at the same time, there are so many parts of our home that I love, the garden beds may not be beautiful structures, but they still produce fruit and veggies for us. Things will happen, little by little, but in the meantime I am reminded 'bloom where you are planted.' :)
ReplyDeleteJust followed a link from rhona @ down to earth and just thought I say hi :) love your pictures
ReplyDeleteSonja
Oh wow! Rhonda from down to earth shared your blog and usually I dont have time to browse but today for some reason I hit that link... I know why now. Every feeling you just shared is my life right now, different reasons sure but exactly how I feel but haven't been able to express, I will be watching carefully and taking inspiration to get my head together too. Thank you
ReplyDeleteHi! I also just followed the link from Rhonda @ down to earth!! Your blog is lovely, and in this post you have completely summed up my life and feelings. It feels nice to know that we are not alone with these feelings of unease when it comes to the hard task of homemaking!
ReplyDeleteFound u thru Rhonda's blog...I think we all feel this way at some point in our lives. Ur on the right path tho, u have to find the way that works for u. We will always have something that needs to be done and I've learned to be grateful for that because even tho it can be frustrating at times, just imagine how sad it would be to wake up and know u had absolutely nothing to do or look forward to. Even the chores are good things when we stay in the moment...enjoy washing the dishes or whatever needs to be done. Just be sure to try for that balance every day, each day will be different but that's a blessing in itself. It's so wonderfully rewarding to me to have these things to do and these people I love to do them with and for. Bless u dear friend, u will hit the right balance soon.
ReplyDeleteme too! I just wrote a post on my own blog yesterday about the same kind of feelings. Nice to know I am not the only one, and I am sure we will all get there in the end.
ReplyDeleteI am amazed what life shows me... I could have read any part of your blog, or left it til tomorrow... but I read this and it hit me slap on the face, as this is just what I have been feeling this week. I am at a spot right now where I can choose to undertake further study and get enmeshed in the paid work I am currently undertaking, but it doesn't feel right and I feel I am getting off track and what I was doing before taking on this paid job was more family home and hearth focused and I have been sidetracked. It is hard to bring back focus and remember the value in being at home and being in the moment. I have recently joined the QCWA and they were talking about giving services as well as doing the activities for personal interest and that really perked me up. Enjoying reading more about your sewing and cooking and furniture polish...
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