Weird post name I know, but it seemed to sum up how I am feeling right now perfectly. The opposite of living deliberately. I have been feeling more than a little lost for some months now and I am starting to think it's because I am not living deliberately, I'm just floating along with no routine or flow to my days and weeks.
Mr Homespun is working away at the moment, flying out on Monday afternoon and returning Friday, and I am feeling horridly guilty at how the house looks the same when he gets back as it does when he goes away. Slightly unfinished and a bit disheveled is probably the best way to describe the house at the moment ( and myself come to think of it...). What do I do with my days? Well, knit obviously, but not much else.
This month it is a whole year since I lost my job and I don't seem to be looking at the housekeeping and homemaking as my job yet. And it is. And I love that it is, but I don't seem to be acting like I love it. But I think this is just because I can't see any visible signs that this is what I do. Nothing is what I want it to be, the house, the garden, the kids, even this blog doesn't seem to be what I want it to be.
I need to work on my routines, work out what works for me and for my family. A routine that will leave me feeling satisfied and perhaps even give me a sense of accomplishment. Where I can knit or quilt or whatever without feeling guilty that there is something else that needs to be done. A routine that doesn't leave me with a list a mile long and makes me feel overwhelmed.
I need to feel like each day matters, not that is just another in a long list of days that don't add up to much, which is were I'm heading. I need to get my head together!
So I'm on a quest to find me, a peaceful and productive me, a kind and calm me. A me my girls can look up to.
So I'm starting by turning my house upside down, by developing a few small routines, by expecting more of myself and mostly making the most of what I have, both figuratively and literally.
But mostly I'm starting with nuturing. My family. My home. Myself. And that feels good.